This is satire. People in this story are fake. The referenced study has yet to be federally funded (it’s just a matter of time). Affiliate links are real, so if you click on them and make a purchase, someone might throw money at me.
By Vonnie York
Finally, some good news.
BREAKING – In an unprecedented $6.3B study by the American Sociological Association, it has been conclusively confirmed that people, not alcohol, ruin holidays. For the past 25 years, a team of researchers at the University of Phoenix have been attending holiday gatherings and recording data. The team surveyed multiple socioeconomic groups as well as families of mixed ethnicity, race, and gender make-up to ensure a balanced test population. The results are astounding, claims Kelly Manager, B.S., Associate Professor of Psychology at UOP and project coordinator.
“The year we launched the study was 1995,” said an aging Manager, “and I was the Dunston home* (*name changed) in Lubbock, Texas. They were a Caucasian family, big family. Big group. Seems a few folks had married off in a way that didn’t make the family matriarch very happy—one of the daughters, Rebecca, had a husband of Latino descent named Juan, and they had a few kids, ages one, three, and five.”
Manager eats a peppermint. “Anyway, here’s the audio transcript of how it got started.”
GRANDMA DUNSTON: Is that Rebecca and John?
JUAN: My name is Juan.
GRANDMA: You’re in America, buddy. You’re John here. My family didn’t build this country up so you could hop a fence and speak Spanish.
REBECCA: Grandma, you immigrated illegally from Poland in 1953.
GRANDMA: That’s semantics. My country was at war.
Baby, too excited about pie to be offended.
REBECCA: Umm…Grandma, you remember the kids, don’t you?
GRANDMA: Come here you little enchiladas, so I can get a good look at you.
Manager pauses the transcript. “After Grandma Dunston thoroughly insulted the children, Rebecca and Juan helped themselves to a bottle of tequila in the kitchen. The meal was set to start in half an hour, and Rebecca’s brother, Don, still hadn’t shown up.
“Anyway, the family’s seated because Grandpa Dunston’s about to carve the turkey, and in walks Don Dunston –I know, very cruel parents. Don is visibly intoxicated, and he keeps taking little sips out of a flask he’s got with him. Every time you hear a sigh on the recording, that’s him sipping.”
The family turkey: Most thankful for already being dead.
Manager hits the ‘play’ button on the transcript.
GRANDPA: Don, you made it!
DON’S MOTHER: Oh, Don.
REBECCA: (slurs) About damn time.
DON: Hello, everyone. Sorry I’m late. I almost didn’t come because I was afraid of what you’d say about my new girlfriend because…because I know how you all feel about John Juan.
JUAN: Me llamo is freaking Juan, you racist bastards.
DON: (sigh) Spare me the Spanglish, buddy. I’m on your side because I know this family won’t approve of my girlfriend either.
DON’S MOTHER: Is she here?
DON: (yells) Candace, come on in, baby (sigh). Let’s get this out in the open.
Major pauses the tape. “So, in walks Candace. She looks terrified.” Major pushes 'play' on the tape.
GRANDMA: Oh holy hell!
REBECCA: She’s twelve!
GRANDPA: She’s black!
DON: She’s not twelve! (sigh) She’s like, 19. Right? You’re at least 19, aren’t you, baby?
Their story had the makings of a beautiful murder mystery.
CANDACE: (almost inaudible) Um...I’m seventeen. I told you that when I hitched a ride to the gas station earlier. I’m really not sure why you brought me here.
DON: I thought we were in love! (siiiiggggghhhh)
REBECCA (to JUAN): Honey, this is great!
JUAN: What is great? Your brother abducted an underage hitchhiker, and your family is so racist that it should be criminal.
Get out of my dreams and into my nightmare.
REBECCA: Yeah, but, don’t you see? This is a way bigger deal than me marrying a Mexican.
JUAN: I'm Brazilian, you sot. I am stepping outside now.
(Scraping noises, glass clinking, door slamming)
REBECCA: Wait! (clattering, shuffling, door slamming)
GRANDMA (hysterical): I’m calling the police! There’s a black girl in my house who wasn’t invited.
DON (yelling): I invited her, a--
Manager stops the tape. “It gets a little awkward after that.”
I bite my tongue as I’m not sure how that exchange could have gotten more awkward. Instead I ask, “So, this shows that alcohol does not ruin family gatherings?”
“Exactly,” affirms Manager, “these people were horrible already without the booze. If anything, you’ll notice the alcohol made Don more tolerant as he brought an African-American woman to the house.”
“Illegally...as a hostage,” I mind her.
The real crime was not saving the officer any dressing.
“Yes, well, and that was a bit of a mess. The police, who by the way were African-American and Mexican, arrived to rescue the girl. Don and Grandma Dunston were taken into custody.”
“Why’d they arrest Grandma Dunston?”
“She felt they were being racist by arresting Don and not Candace. She insisted that she was the one who called the police and should be able to decide who gets arrested in her home. The cops were annoyed, but when she threw a turkey carcass at Officer Gonzalez, the cuffs came out.”
“And Grandma Dunston, had she been drinking?”
“She’d had a peppermint schnapps earlier that day, but even with all of her pain killers, that had no bearing on her behavior.”
Manager reports having several more anecdotes like that at the Dunston home. She and her colleagues plan to publish a book of case studies, so people can see just how awful they truly are and so they can definitely see that it’s people, not alcohol, that ruins holidays. Federal funds well spent!
If you’re a person and plan to spend the holidays with people, chances are, something’s going to go horribly awry. Cut right to the chase by taking a bottle or two (or a case) of your favorite Beaujolais Nouveau or other festive vino from Amazon.com. Please give thanks responsibly.