This is satire; HGTV has never done a Tiny House: Thanksgiving Edition that I’m aware of. Also, HGTV and I have never met.
By Vonnie York
"So what's the resale on this bad boy?" --Asks no HGTV tiny house hunter, ever.
HGTV’s popular show Tiny House, Big Living is going holiday wild! If you’re not familiar with the program, it’s about people with $50,000 budgets who purchase 500-square-foot homes that—so help me—had better have granite countertops in their 4x4 kitchen (what do you mean there’s no built-in hotplate!?).
For this year’s first Tiny House: Thanksgiving Edition, HGTV caught up with couple, Dallas and Emily, who were newlyweds featured on the show in 2015. Dallas is a studio artist; Emily is a graphic designer. Both work from home and felt that a tiny house on a parcel of land in Montana was the perfect place to start their lives.
Now, in 2017, Dallas and Emily reside in their 496-square-foot cottage with their dog, Rufus, their two-year-old son, Carmen, and soon, a new baby. Emily’s first line is laughing about how her belly takes up more room in the house than the hotplate (purchased after the original show aired as there was no built in).
Emily: Hopes maybe after this baby, Dallas will get his sorry butt in gear.
Emily, who is eight months pregnant and the size of a Buick (her words, not mine) laughs and tells HGTV, “Yeah, it’s great. Since Dallas and I work from home, we’re both here, all of the time with Carmen. It will be really interesting today to have both of the families over…(aside) Carmen, get off the bed! (To camera) I’m warming some pre-cooked turkey on the hotplate a few slices at a time, and we’ll serve that. Everyone else is supposed to bring a side dish or two.”
Because of limited space inside the dwelling, the family is dining on folding tables outside that the couple rented for the day. Emily bustles around setting the table and is frustrated by a stiff breeze that forces her to reset the table cloths. Dallas is busy on the front porch, tending to his latest painting, an abstract of the mountains.
“Dallas’s career is coming along,” Emily says. “He’s um…sold a few pieces since we filmed a couple of years ago. Needless to say, we’re so thankful for the house not costing us that much money during those six-to-eight-month stretches where Dallas’s art isn’t selling.”
Meanwhile, Emily’s graphic design business is doing well and provides enough for the family to live as comfortably as possible in their tiny house.
We catch up with Dallas as he’s sipping a PBR and trying to get perspective on his mountain-scape.
“Oh, she told you that I’ve only sold a few pieces? Wow, you know, Emily used to be about the art. She used to really care about the integrity behind it. Now, all she cares about is making money to feed the baby or to pay for insurance or whatever. She’s lost focus.”
Dallas: Hopes the show will give his art more exposure, but he's not selling out. Don't let the button-down confuse you.
As Emily is putting out the hotplate-warmed turkey slices, family start to arrive, and the festivities get underway.
“We brought a turkey!” cheers Emily’s mom, Isabelle, as she steps out of a cream-colored Ford F-150.
“Mom,” Emily forces a smile, “I said I was making turkey. I asked you to bring a side.”
“Well, I wasn’t sure you’d be able to pull off a turkey since you have no kitchen. It’s fine. You can never have too much turkey at Thanksgiving.”
Hilarity ensues when Dallas's parents Mila and Frank arrive, they, too, have brought a turkey and a pack of dinner rolls.
The families sit down to eat, “I think I’ll have…turkey!” jests Emily’s father, Heathcliff, attempting to make light of the mix-up. Dad jokes, am I right?
“Heathcliff, don’t be an ass. There’s nothing to eat but turkey,” Isabelle chides.
“I was trying to make a joke,” mutters Heathcliff.
“No, no, no!” cries Cameron, rejecting the plate of cut turkey Emily presented to him. Rolling her eyes, Emily gives him a dinner roll.
You people had one job. #didntdietobedry #judgingyou
“This is…tasty,” Mila says, methodically chewing the turkey.
“Really? Mine is dry,” remarks Dallas.
“I wasn’t going to say anything, but you said it first son. Mine’s dryer than the bottle of wine your mom hosed on the way here,” says Frank.
“Frank!”
“What? You did. It was meant to be a hostess gift.” Frank nodded to Emily apologetically.
Mila set her plastic ware down. “It’s not like she can even drink right now, and we’re out here in the middle of nowhere. Who wouldn’t want to pregame the holiday?”
"Who says 'pregame' after the age of 25?" Frank snaps as Emily says,“It’s okay. I understand,” Emily says. Later to camera she says, "I'd drink a bottle of wine right now if I could."
“I think our turkey’s the one’s that’s dry,” Dallas says.
Rufus: The only one not fool enough to admit the turkey is dry.
Emily rounds on him. “Really? I coordinated all of this because you wanted to have the families to this tool shed for Thanksgiving. You don’t even help so much as set the table, and you have the audacity to call my turkey dry? It’s heated over a freaking hotplate, for f--(glances at Carmen) fiddle's sake. What do you expect? Some pioneer cooking housewife to whip a whole turkey out of the fridge and to slow roast it on a spit?”
“It wouldn’t kill you to try some outdoor cooking. All you ever do is make grilled sandwiches on the hotplate. I can't eat another 'diverse gourmet' grilled cheese! What does that even mean?”
“If I had a kitchen or time, I’d cook, but we can’t afford to move because you don’t think making money is ‘the artist’s way’.”
“Wow, that’s a low blow. You’ve changed, Emily.”
“Of course I’ve changed! We have children. We can’t live like this. It’s insane and unsustainable, and we aren’t really saving any money because it costs a fortune to drive to town and to get Internet out here. Also, you refuse to give up your 1960s VW bus or to update it, so we’re not saving the planet at all. We bury our trash in a hole 100 feet from the house. We’re frauds!” Emily bursts into tears. “Turn off the damn cameras!”
HGTV does not turn off the cameras. Heathcliff clears his throat. “Honey, I know you’re upset and this is hard, but could you pass me something to drink? I can’t swallow this turkey by itself.”
“Oh my God,” Emily stands up and runs her hands through her hair; she goes inside the house to cry, but there’s nowhere to hide. (Sounds of screaming from inside the tiny house.)
Frank puts a piece of turkey on the ground for Rufus who sniffs it and tries to cover it up.
To bring it home and end on a high note, the show concludes with the family saying what they are thankful for.
Cameron: Rufus, dog.
Rufus: (barks, pants, growls at turkey)
Heathcliff: Plenty of leftover turkey! …No, you’re right. That’s not funny anymore.
Isabelle: Grandchildren. I just can’t wait to meet that little baby.
There's no shame in Mila's holiday survival game.
Mila: That I drank that bottle before we came, and that I have a back-up bottle in my purse…which is bigger than their living room as far as I’m concerned.
Frank: That we get to leave after this is over.
Dallas: The exposure from this show. I feel like it might help take my career to the next level, and then I’ll be able to help Emily more with the finances. I'm an INFJ, so I'm very intuitive.
Emily: (rolls eyes) He said that when the show aired in 2015. I’m thankful that we got a lot of stuff out in the open and that Dallas and I have agreed to look for a bigger home closer to town where he can possibly get a job when he’s not painting. Maybe he could teach art?
Emily and Dallas will be featured on an upcoming episode of the network’s newest show House Hunters: Buyer’s Remorse. Their budget will be roughly $400,000, and they will be looking to buy a spacious 900-square-foot 2B/1BA in the Seattle area.
The show concludes with the family standing and staring out at the sunset because “people like sunsets” before the script Happy Thanksgiving is scrawled across the screen. The network expects the episode will be a big draw for the 39 people in the U.S. who wouldn’t rather be watching football or napping at 2:00 p.m. on Thursday, November 23, Thanksgiving Day.
As God as her witness, Emily will never use a hotplate again.
Vonnie York is a mom (who is also eight months pregnant), a writer, an introvert, and a wine lover (well, not at the moment) who loves to laugh. She’s just trying to survive this wild ride called life. If you like this story, feel free to get on board. Follow And the Plot Thickens on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.