This is satire. Unfortunately, Target has yet to take the hint and offer child care (I mean, can you imagine?) or a wine bar, which would legit be my go-to the three times a year I’m allowed to go outside by myself. Note that the links & banners to Target’s awesome website are ‘affiliate’ links, which means if you buy something, I might get paid, which isn't the worst thing ever.
By Vonnie York
The only real complaint was, "Why wasn't this a thing sooner?"
MOBILE, AL – PRESS RELEASE – Target is using the Mobile, AL Schillinger Road Super Target location to pilot its latest bid to drive up store sales –a childcare corral and wine bar. The set-up has been in place for the past month, and Target is now releasing preliminary findings, which should serve as an indicator if the implementation will get the green light for Target locations around the U.S. and in Finland.
In the first week of the corral’s opening, 25-year-old mother of three Daphne Roberts says, “Oh my gosh I love it. It’s like, a giant ball pit, so my kids are all about it.” Roberts’ children are ages seven, five, and three. “I homeschool, so they’re like, always with me. It’s just nice to be able to shop without having to open the box of Lucky Charms or whatever just to keep them quiet.”
Not every parent is as pleased. “The thing is, there needs to be more supervision. My kid went in to play while I did a little “Santa scouting”. Three hours later, he came out wearing another kid’s Band-Aid. I think if they were better monitored, gross stuff like that wouldn’t happen.”
Pros: Kids are happy because they get limitless Target stickers. Cons: Kids get limitless stickers.
The self-checkout team does double-duty, monitoring the children in the ball pit. Target rep Linda Fitzroy points out that the Target app now includes a special login for parents to monitor their children in the ball pit while they’re shopping. She also notes that, “The app’s special login is only accessible to parents who drop their kids off and who get the code. The code changes every day. This keeps kids safe.”
Target reports a 95% increase in customer satisfaction surveys but a 35% decrease in sales during the hours that the childcare center is open but the wine bar is not.
Fitzroy states, “Piloting the childcare alone hurt sales. This is most likely because moms aren’t so frazzled that they’re ready to rip their hair out and buy everything on aisle nine just to make it out of the store in one piece. Which is good…we don’t want shopping to be associated with teeth gritting, tube-tying stress.”
Fitzroy continues, “In the first two weeks of pilot the wine bar was opened from 5:00 p.m. until closing. The wine bar itself did well, pulling in roughly $6,000 in additional revenue.”
To avoid adding costs, the wine bar is a swipe-and-sip set-up with wine dispensers. Customers get disposable, recyclable clear plastic cups and use a credit or debit card to swipe and to order a half or full glass of a given wine. As with other store purchases, Target REDcard users save an additional 5%.
Evening sales also increased once the wine bar was opened. “The dollar section was utterly ransacked that first night. A bunch of moms with no inhibitions…it was like a feeding frenzy.” Interior décor, women’s shoes, and clothes also sold in higher volumes during this time.
One mom was overheard saying to another, “No, no, you deserve this. You gave your life to those kids. You deserve a velvet cold shoulder top before they go out of style.”
“Okay, okay,” replied the mom inspecting a burgundy velvet top, “I’m doing it. Say, after this, do you want to go to the bathroom again by ourselves.”
“Oh-em-gee. You read my mind! Let’s do it. Let’s hit self-check out, use the bathroom, get a refill, and keep shopping.
The powder room with crumpets & tufted chaise loungers are expected to be a game-changer.
Marcus is an Australian fireman by day, but by night, he's the guy at Target rubbing your shoulders while you shop.
By the end of the month, Target reports that opening the wine bar throughout the day along with childcare has boosted revenue by 1,000%, which is a thing despite not being statistically possible. To complete, Wal-Mart is considering having a drive-up wine service to accompany it’s relatively recent curbside pick-up program.
When asked if Target felt threatened by the scuttlebutt regarding Wal-Mart, Fitzroy scoffed. “No, not really. In fact, we’re thinking of just closing the store during the day and turning the whole kit and caboodle in to a wine and coffee bar where moms can sit, talk, and shop from iPad kiosks. Shirtless masseurs will do shoulder rubs for tips. We’re also thinking of really decking out the bathrooms with heated toilet seats, slimming full-length mirrors, and chaise loungers.”
Surveys show that moms everywhere would be down with this. To quote Liz Lemon, this reporter says, “I want to go to there.”
Vonnie York is an author with a staunch appreciation for the absurd. She loves books, coffee, wine, running (from social commitments), her kids, and her husband (though in varying orders).
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