This is satire, but if this stuff was real, how awesome would that be, am I right?
By Vonnie York
BUSINESS, Silicon Valley, CA – Originally invented and marketed as an anti-date-rape drug, the anti-boner spray, Bone-No-No, has exploded in the housewife demographic. Parenting Magazine dubbed anti-boner spray as “the best stocking stuffer for women in 2017”.
"Hey baby. I've got wood. Let's start a fire."
For those who are unfamiliar with the spray, it works instantaneously. Women can spray the target directly or can apply it to their person. The spray’s pheromones, once detected by the Y chromosome, immediately shut down an erection for up to four hours.
Now remarketed toward married women, Bone-No-No’s packaging states, “Does your man get hurt feelings when you say not tonight honey? This new anti-boner aerosol lets you skip the sex while sparing your partner’s feelings. Netflix and chill? Not anymore! More like Netflix and a chilled bottle of wine!”
To learn more about what transformed this practical and important safety mist into a hot product for moms, we went to the source—Target, to ask moms why they were buying Bone-No-No.
Of course he's ready for blast off...
Valley native and pregnant mom of two who would only give her initials, VM, says, “Oh my gosh, my husband, I love him, but he wants it like, all of the time. Have you ever been pregnant? All you want to do is eat, pee, and sleep and occasionally fart without being judged. The last thing you want to do is scratch his never-ending itch. But no, someone—probably a man, told the world that pregnant women love sex, and my husband believes it, so he thinks it’s him when I’m like, ‘I hate pregnant sex.’ Oh my gawd. It’s not him. It’s me. I feel fat, uncomfortable, bloated…my launch pad is so swollen I can barely walk, but yeah, let’s put a little rocket ship in there and then get upset when I don’t seem like I’m enjoying myself.”
VM continues, “The baby’s due in about a month. I’ve been using Bone-No-No since it came out in my second trimester, and I’m not saying it’s saving our marriage, but it’s definitely a lifeline ‘cause I pretend like I want it, spritz on a little Bone-No-No, cozy up to him and (whistles anticlimactically). He’s limp as a wet noodle, but it’s a total win-win. He feels desired, and I don’t have to make moans of pain and discomfort sound sexy for 20 minutes.”
Meanwhile, your idea of a good time involves lounging on the couch stroking your furball.
I inquire, “Are there any downsides to this approach?”
VM shrugs. “He thinks he has infertility now, so I just went with it, told him he should stop smoking, so now he's trying to quit. Really not seeing a downside to Bone-No-No.”
Non-pregnant wife, mother to four children under the age of five, and work-at-home mom who only wants to be identified as Ramona states, “At this point, my idea of romance is peeing by myself. He takes it so personally that we don’t have sex like we used to…before kids…when we were in our 20s. Are you in your 30s yet? Do you have small kids? You’re seriously so tired that you can barely get your pants off to take a shower let alone get it on. Do people still say that? Get it on?
“Anyway, my husband acts like me stripping for a shower’s an invitation. The only personal time I get in a day is in the shower, and there he’s standing there with Frank and the beans like, ‘Famished baby?’
Her: I love knowing there's no way this is ending in sex.
Him: Wait, what?
“God love him, he doesn’t get that the more he doesn’t try to have sex with me the more I would want to have sex with him. It’s a vicious circle, and it’s killing our relationship because if I say no or that I’m ‘too tired’, he’s like, ‘You have time to sit on the couch and drink wine and watch TV.’
“He doesn’t get that it’s not about desire. It’s about being tired and just…wanting some me time. So, yeah, I’ll say Bone-No-No is a marriage-saver because once the wind leaves his wings, he’s happy to cuddle on the couch and watch Netflix with me. Two nights ago, he refilled my wine. It’s becoming the perfect marriage. I owe it all to Bone-No-No.”
"Be a good boy and put this on."
Needless to say, men have grown wise Bone-No-No’s popularity among married moms. To combat this awareness, many women have started mixing the anti-boner spray with their perfume or their husband's cologne.
Given the success of Bone-No-No, the parent company, Erexit, is working on a lip product called Limpstick, which upon making contact with the male extremity causes it to stop, drop, and wither. Ironically, it has a nice plumping effect on the wearer’s lips. Erexit anticipates Limpstick becoming one of the hottest new beauty trends of 2018.
Ladies, it's time to kiss lockjaw goodbye.
VM says, “I’m looking forward to this (Limpstick) because my husband expects us to ‘keep the romance alive’ with BJs after I have the baby, so Limpstick is going save my sanity. I’ll spare you the details, but I didn’t have my Bone-No-No when we were on the road for Thanksgiving. The kids were asleep, and he suggested I ‘bow my head and give thanks.’ Picture a preggo leaned halfway out of her seat across the console of a Chevy Malibu, and then he says I’m not being enthusiastic enough. It’s a wonder he’s not dead.”
Bone-No-No is currently available at all major retail outlets and online via Amazon. Limpstick is expected to be available online and in stores in Vixen, Ravenous Red, Pulsing Pink, and Champagne Nude toward the end of January, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Now, who's ready to Netflix & chill like an adult?
Vonnie York is an author who loves having sex with her husband except when she’s pregnant. So unnatural. None the less, she’s a dedicated wife and mom who enjoys reading, wine, coffee, audiobooks, and running (and screaming into the night).
Watch Vonnie try to have it all by following her on Twitter, Instagram, and the Facebook.