Elf on the Shelf is a popular Christmas tradition in which a creepy little elf doll comes to live at your house and “magically” moves from place to place every night or you scar you children for life. In this inspired tale, after Paulie, the Roberts’ family elf doesn’t show up for duty, they employ José, a Mexican immigrant elf who’s in America to help others while living his dream. Move over Jack and Diane; this is the story of José & Paulie masterfully retold to the tune of the classic Twas the Night Before Christmas.
By Vonnie York
Twas the noche before Navidad
When outside the house
They didn't even bring toys.
A swat team was stirring
Ready & waiting to pounce
The magical elves were getting ready to leave
Because for some reason they couldn’t stay
Past Christmas Eve
Blond-haired, blue-eyed Elf Paulie was getting ready to call it a night
& brown-haired, brown-eyed Elf José had just turned off the light
When from the roof there arose such a clatter
Both elves stopped to see what was the matter
Why it was immigration with their flashlights so bright!
"Won't you guide my squad car tonight" just didn't have the same ring.
They’d come to take José & question him on that unseasonably warm Christmas night
“I’m a citizen,” José insisted, “You’ve got it all wrong!”
“Silenco. Wait until you get downtown, and then you can sing your song.”
Elf Paulie was aghast with horror—oh no!
When he ratted out José, he thought his arrest’d be after tomorrow
To the station they flew, an interrogation awaited
José & Elf Paulie said nothing; their breaths, baited
José was a good elf; he worked his shelf with pride
It made him happy to watch over the children…gave him joy on the inside
For Elf Paulie the story is a bit sadder
"So, when do the conjugal visits start?"
for his temporary replacement by José had made him madder and madder.
Hence why Elf Paulie caused the trouble
He knew if José was deported, his elf salary would be double
The interrogation was brief and before they knew,
José was acquitted! His story proved true.
For you see….José’d come to America to find work
to provide for his family a happier home
And despite being underpaid (some people were such jerks)
He’d saved & invested, proving the haters all wrong
A successful entrepreneur he was, José wanted to give back to others,
"Please don't tell Santa or he'll beat me."
So every year at Christmas, he volunteered with his many elf brothers
Back at the station, Elf Paulie felt bad, knowing he’d be fined
For providing a false tip & for wasting everyone’s time
Jealousy & presumptuous are both really crappy
If Elf Paulie’d just communicated his feelings, perhaps all would’ve been happy
After apologies were made & their friendship set right
(José was forgiving like that)
The elves returned to the North Pole that weird Christmas night.
The end.
Feliz Navidad to all & to all, a buenos noches!
Hours later at the North Poler Bar….
Paulie: (after picking up the first round) We cool?
Jose: Do I get to take a swing at your wife?
Paulie: ...Yeah, okay.
Jose: We cool.
Love this story? Check out other popular titles in José’s Elf off the Shelf Adventure including:
It was a bad day for Bitcoin; Jose was ready to move to Australia...except Santa wouldn't give him his passport.
José Trumps the Wall: A Cross-Country Travel Adventure: It’s The Little Engine that Could but with less candy and more swearing.
José and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Cryptocurrency Investment: José learns the value of patience and attitude through a crummy first digital investment experience.
Around the World in 80 Josés: José learns to be responsible for his passport.
José & the American Girl Doll: Lucy, You’ve Got Some ‘Splaining to Do!: This charming American Girl and I Love Lucy inspired crossover will just confuse the hell out of everyone.
Tequila Mockingbird: José learns the hard way why he should listen to his dad, Big Carlos, when he says, “Stay out of that cabinet.”
José & the USCIS: A Cautionary Alphabet Adventure Story for Immigrants: Legal & illegal immigrants alike learn both the alphabet and the acronyms for key government agencies that might detain them for questioning one day.
In case you haven’t realized, this story is satire; the events are untrue. The above-mentioned children’s reads are not really available IRL because seriously, how offensive would that be?
Speaking of IRL, Vonnie York is an author who honestly doesn’t know how she comes up with this stuff other than this year, the family’s original pasty blue-eyed elf disappeared, and her husband replaced him with a brown-eyed, brown-haired elf, which thankfully, her daughter didn’t notice a difference in because Vonnie York isn’t raising racists; however, when the original elf was found later in the season, Vonnie couldn’t help but wonder what if, and this questionable poem was born.
If you’re like Vonnie and are introverted, don’t spend enough time with people to know what offends whom, love wine and coffee, following her on Twitter, Instagram, and the Facebook.