For anyone born in the 1980s, the promise of marriage was part of the package. You know, house, 2.5 kids, crazy problems and hilarious anecdotes resolved in half an hour of situational comedy (or an hour if there was a nugget of “real life” drama). (D’oh!) Instead, we grew up to the real world, and not even the fake Real World purported by MTV in which everyone had drama, but they were all also really hot, so it was okay.
The real world was much, much uglier, and we’re not just talking about how our butts aged (for shame on no one for warning us). The real world is wrought with financial insecurity, with stretch marks and c-section scars; with unfulfilling jobs (and lives;, and with partners who only kind of get how freaking awesome we are. And thus, this brings us to the real reasons that millennials are getting divorced.
The Dishwasher was Loaded Wrong One Too Many Times
If you think he can't load a dishwasher, wait until you see the crease he's about to iron into this buttondown.
For a generation who doesn’t know how to do laundry or dishes (according to our elders), the millennials are a bunch of dishwasher packing sons of bitches, and in every household, only 50% know how to do this shiz right.
Clay Charles of Massachusetts says, “I am the dishwasher packing idiot in my domain. Apparently, I cannot appropriately discern where top-level glasses should go versus bottom, and God help me with the bowls; of course, what’s great is now she won’t even let me help load the dishwasher. I’ve started doing other stuff wrong on purpose just to see how many chores she’ll do because she thinks I’m too incompetent to do them right.”
He / She Doesn’t Drink Enough
I'm sorry, but I don't think you understand that just because the wedding is over the open bar has to close.
Justin Timberlake brought sexy back (I mean, not in that outfit at the Super Bowl, but otherwise, sure…though, not sure where sexy went unless it got married); meanwhile, millennials are bringing casual alcoholism back. Cocktail hours and happy hours prevail. Three o’clock is the new five o’clock and heaven forbid if a spouse isn’t that into it.
“I would bust up in the room and be like, ‘It’s wine time!’” said Amy P. (last name withheld for protective purposes). “And then my husband Griffin would be like, ‘It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. I think you have an addiction. You should see someone.’” Amy P. and her husband both work from home. She’s a graphic designer, and Griffin whittles bird whistles from pine. They have a $500,000 budget and are looking for a home in the Seattle midtown area that is spacious, Renaissance-inspired, and post-Warhol modern. They literally don’t stand a chance.
The Other Person is Having More Fun Than You
When you’re newly married and child-free, marriage is great. You both go out and have fun, come home, sleep it off, compare notes. No problem. Then, you have kids and then you’re stuck. You have to get a sitter or you go out solo, which positions you for an imbalance.
"Sacrifices have to be made," he said. Indeed, she thought as she considered where best to bury the 210 lbs. of newly-acquired organic fertilizer.
“He went to the restaurant we’d both been dying to go to without me because his stupid best friend was in town,” Milaka Anderson vented.
“I was with my family, and they’d made reservations. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to take the baby, so I suggested Milaka stay home with the baby.” Jerome, Milaka’s husband pauses before fatally continuing, “It’s not my fault she can feed the baby and I can’t. Sacrifices have to be made.”
On a potentially related note, locals in the Minneapolis community are volunteering time to look for now-missing Jerome Anderson. He disappeared from his home not long after this interview was conducted. Milaka claims her husband may have been interested in seeking a partnership with another man and suggests police start by inquiring there.
Spouse Will Not Stop Talking about Fantasy Life
If he put cantaloupe on her breakfast-in-bed tray one more time, there'd be hell to pay.
Robert and Kelly were married in a ceremony that featured a unicorn-drawn carriage. Kelly glowed as wire-harnessed “angels” carried her from the carriage to a marital throne beside her husband before she and her guests dined on vegan rack of "lamb" and humanely raised, Ivy-league educated roast beef. Needless to say, Kelly’s martial expectations were nothing shy than what a lifetime of watching Disney cinema would’ve prepared her for, so when real life was more like the scene where Cinderella feeds hens in the stables, Kelly cracked.
“There is no coffee when I wake up. I have to have an effing job. He’s got a four pack at best. I only get one foot massage per day…I have no words.”
Neither do we, you spoiled-ass bitch.
When queried on his perception of married life, Robert wept.
Spouse Refuses to Invest 401K into Bitcoin
Cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin and Alt-coins are believed to be the fiduciary solutions of tomorrow. Certainly, 401Ks, which rely on a volatile stock market and those vile, corrupt governments lack reliability. Like social security, most millennials expect their 401Ks to be bankrupt by the time they reach their golden years; to adjust, many millennials are taking their retirement funds into their own hands and are investing them in cryptos after seeing the phenomenal leaps made by Bitcoin and alt-cryptocurrencies like Litecoin and Ethereum.
If he wasn't willing to bite the Bitcoin, she may as well bite the bullet and kick him to the curb...just like her 401K.
Pamela Ashwood says, “I have pulled my entire 401K and have distributed it among various cryptos. I have some in Bitcoin, which is a super long hold and others in Litecoin and Ripple, which are shorter term. I feel really good about it; however, my husband is incensed.”
“She didn’t even consult me. It’s not her retirement, it’s our retirement. We also have kids to consider in this whole thing. What if she’s wrong and we end up destitute? I will not be a burden to my children,” says Justin Ashwood, shaking his head.
“He said it’s our retirement?” Pamela blanches. “I work a 9-to-5 job with benefits. I pay our insurance. He bartends at a senior citizen strip club on weekends to offset his gig writing anime webcomics during the week; he has no 401K reitrement plan to worry about other than mine...er, ours.” Pamela leans back in her plastic chair. Her lips are pursed, and she folds her arms and crosses her legs. Justin had better retire any hopes of getting lucky tonight.
Spouse Didn’t Mourn Dog Long Enough
It’s always traumatic when a member of the family passes away, but when it’s a four-legged furry friend, failing to grieve loudly and / or long enough is a marital deal breaker.
“I’d had Sadie (a Pomeranian) for eleven years when Andrew and I met. Together, we parented Sadie for five years before she passed away…” Lizzie holds up a hand and presses her palm to her eyes. After a loud sniff and a hiccup, she presses on. “She passed away from old age. I didn’t even know that could happen!” Lizzie sobbed uncontrollably for a very awkward few minutes.
"You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on." Sadie is best-known for stealing hearts and the show as the old lady in the all-dog reproduction of Titanic.
Lizzie regains her composure. “So, then Andrew, of course, he cried at first. He cried for, I guess, a week. He’d cry when he make his coffee in the mornings because that was his special time with Sadie. He’d make her an egg-white omelet and they’d sit at the table and read the newsfeed together on his phone.
“But then after a week, I didn’t hear him wailing when he got ready for work. And then after a month, he said, ‘So, should we look at getting another dog or maybe try to have a baby?’ and it broke me. Another dog? Is he crazy? And no, I don’t want a freaking baby. There’s no way a child could possibly replace the love of a dog.
“If you don’t believe me, what do people get most upset about when they read a book? When an animal dies. Animals are like people except better, which is why no one gets upset when a person wipes out in a book or a movie, but doggie deaths? Get the stretcher.”
A month after Andrew’s suggestion that he and Lizzie find a way to move on together from losing Sadie, she (Lizzie) filed for divorce, which Andrew said blindsided him. “Well, he blindsided me. Should we look at getting another dog. That man is a monster. I don't even know him.”
Couple Realizes They Were Not Actually Married
Cohabitation without marriage is becoming increasingly standard amongst millennial couples; however, the lack of a marriage certificate doesn’t discourage these long-term couples from calling one another “husband” and “wife” as one source, Zoe Dufresne puts it, “Who wants to be a 35-years-old CEO with a ‘boyfriend’?”
And to think, if they'd have never tried to file for divorce, they'd have never even gotten married!
In fact, Zoe and 43-year-old Richard (not a millennial) were decidedly getting divorces. Their differences, too disparate to reconcile. He liked French country homes, Mason jar décor, $13 white wines, and (Zoe gags) country music. Meanwhile, Zoe is a landscape architect who wears eyeglasses for fashion, is a fine Scotch enthusiast, embraces raw wood furniture, and likes the sound of trickling water. The two were from two different worlds. “He said he never watched Clarissa Explains It All,” Zoe lamented.
Thus, it transpired on one early January morning that Zoe and Richard ventured to the county courthouse to abet the search for their marriage certificate so they could officially dissolve their union.
“The courthouse clerk, her name was Mildred, I think—great name, by the way…so retro,” Zoe said, “claimed she couldn’t find our record, and we were like WTF.”
“Anyway,” Richard interjects, “as Milly is looking—it occurs to us, oh-em-gee…we were never married.” Richard and Zoe laugh.
“Naturally, we applied for a marriage license and got married on the spot,” quipped Zoe flashing a bulbous diamond wedding ring. May they live happily ever after. Those poor bastards
And the Plot Thickens is a combination of satire and true stories. This is satire. I really don’t know why millennials are getting divorced. I’m on the cusp of the millennial generation (that awkward Gen-Y and millennial in betweener), and I have yet to find a weird enough reason to get a divorce. If you’re an introverted mom who likes satire, wine, books, and are just trying to survive while having it all, then follow me on Facebook & sign up for my e-mail newsletter on the homepage.