I’m very excited to bring this exclusive, never-before-read transcript of what went on behind the scenes when four southern women, Tabitha, Mary-Heather, Amber, and Stella, were interviewed for Miss Givings magazine last January. A tad too much pinot grigio, and the pillow talk got real.
TABITHA
I just love day drinking.
AMBER
What else do you love doing during the day? (wink)
MARY-HEATHER
Napping.
STELLA
Oh, God, me, too.
MARY-HEATHER
Unless my husband catches me doing it. Then he’s (gestures) off with the pants like I’m some kind of present waiting in bed just for him.
TABITHA
That is the worst. How do you get out of it?
MARY-HEATHER
I tell him I’m suffering from my menses and act like I’m at death’s door.
AMBER
Didn’t you have a hysterectomy after Tommy was born?
MARY-HEATHER
What’s your point?
(sips wine)
STELLA
You think he’ll ever catch on?
(pours a new round)
MARY-HEATHER
Tommy turned seven in November, so….
(winks, finishes glass. Holds it out for Stella to refill)
TABITHA
That’s too funny. I just keep swapping William’s Viagra for a placebo.
STELLA
(Tosses head back, cackles) Oh, that’s good.
TABITHA
Then I cry and say he must not find me attractive and must be having an affair with his secretary because he can’t even muster a nod let alone a hard salute for me.
AMBER
I thought Beula Dimplebottom’s 20-year-old son Kyle was his secretary.
TABITHA
He is. The suggestion nearly sent William into a panic because the apple didn’t fall far from that tree, and he said that if someone was going to start a rumor about him taking up with some young buck, it surely wasn’t going to be Dimplebottom. A pretty boy, like Beatrice Thather’s Eddie, he said, he could survive. I just cried harder. Didn’t ask questions. That little performance earned me this. (Pulls blouse aside to reveal large canary-yellow diamond necklace). I named it Oscar. Billy has no idea why.
William wasn't concerned with who'd wear the pants. In fact, he'd prefer if no one wore pants. Except Kyle. And his wife. Her penis wasn't magnificent like his.
STELLA
(Aridly) Well, I am scandalized. (Runs finger around brim of wine glass)
MARY-HEATHER
(snorts, laughs) Please. You’re probably the worst one.
STELLA
(shrugs) So, Stanley heard me listening to the whistle song one time. It’s on my playlist for the gym.
TABITHA
I’m sorry, the whistle song?
STELLA
It came out a few years ago. Some Flo Rida song. Just the cutest little ditty about fellatio. Anyway, Stanley heard me listening to it, and for some reason thought that meant I’d like to try it. He’s always trying to put that thing where it doesn’t belong. (Rolls eyes)
AMBER
Which is where?
STELLA
Anywhere on my person when I’m not in the mood. So, I really just defer to a cocktail of diversions…headaches, sore throats, cramps…normal stuff, but in a good enough rotation, so he can’t say I’m putting him off.
(sighs sips wine)
Of course, sometimes, he gets frustrated, so I suggest a sexy night. I go over the top. I get the kids to bed early, break out the nice wine—whiskey for him. He’s not a big drinker, so I get us both good and drunk. We pet and neck on the couch while watching something he likes on the TV. Usually, by the time it’s time for the pants to come off he’s (bends index finger in a sign of surrender).
(fishes glass of pinot grigio, holds it out for a refill)
And of course, sometimes, we actually have sex. Usually once every few weeks, but I’m usually a little tipsy and kind of enthusiastic about it by then anyway.
AMBER
Wow.
STELLA
(slurs) Okay, so we’ve all spilled. What’s your sexy secret?
AMBER
I actually like having sex.
(ALL lean forward with expressions and exclamations of shock and disbelief)
MARY-HEATHER
Explain.
AMBER
We like to do it in interesting places. We both love the thrill of getting caught. Like, when he dropped me off here before the interview, we snuck off in the coat closet and had a quickie.
STELLA
You had sex with my coat?
AMBER
Well, not with it, but it watched. I’m sure it was as good for it as it was for me.
TABITHA
So, you don’t do it at home?
AMBER
Oh, sure all of the time. Every day. Sometimes several times a day. When the kids are gone, it’s like all we do.
MARY-HEATHER
You’re making it up. There’s no way. Seriously, what’s your secret?
AMBER
No secret. We have an amazing sex life. I mean, we never talk or have fun, and honestly, I kind of dislike him as a person, but he’s like, 7 ½ inches of wheeeee, so there you go.
STELLA
Wow, I am so jealous.
AMBER
Did you not just hear me say we have nothing else in common, and that if not for his penis, I kind of dislike him?
STELLA
(Oblivious, licks condensation off wine glass) Mmm…penis. Penis grigio. I kind of want to see Stanley right now.
TABITHA
You should go to him.
STELLA
(Ponders glass of wine)
TABITHA
(shouts) Earth to STELLLLAAAAA!
STELLA
What?
TABITHA
I don’t know. I forgot. I just wanted to do that. #streetcarnameddesire
MARY-HEATHER
She said you should definitely have another glass of wine.
AMBER
You guys are nuts, and you all really need to get laid. Anyway, just got a text. My ride is here.
TABITHA
Yeah it is! (Dances around as if she's riding that donkey, donkey)
MARY-HEATHER
Go get your freak on.
AMBER
(Winks, exits the scene)
STELLA
(Thoughtful) Do y’all think we’re doing something wrong?
MARY-HEATHER
Oh, Stella, don’t be such a twit.
TABITHA
She made all of that up because she’s got the best sex tips of all, but she’s just too stingy to share.
STELLA
Oh, thank God. More wine? (holds up the bottle)
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